Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:03 Think meditation is hard. Do me a favor, take a slow deep breath in and now breathe out. Congratulations, you just meditated. Welcome back to Breathe In, breathe Out. I'm Crystal Kowski and yeah, baby <laugh>. This is a really fun topic. For some reason it's just kind of come at me a couple of times over the last, uh, little while and it's in my face, so of course you know me. If it's in my face, I am totally going to just riff on it for a minute and see where things go. So, um, story time and lesson time.
Speaker 1 00:00:55 A friend of mine had said, Hey, I am going to do this. And they laid out A, B, C, D. Exactly. I am going to do this. So just, I, I just wanted to let you know. I'm not sure how soon, but it'll be soon, it'll be soon. And I said, okay, fine, not a problem. Great looking forward to it. Actually, really excited. So little time went on and they fell through and more time went on and they continued to fall through and they kept saying, yeah, so I wanna do that thing, but it's not gonna happen. And oh, I really wanna do that thing. But um, yeah, so I'm just, I'm really busy and I have no time and that, I mean, they just kept giving me, I don't have time, I don't have time, I don't have time. And a while back I did an episode on how we find time for the things that are most important to us.
Speaker 1 00:02:06 If we really care about it, if it's super important, you bet your ass. We are going to do our damnedest to make sure it happens that we achieve because it's really important to us. And we are going to make that time, even if it means we have to stay up a little bit later, get up a little bit earlier, shift something around, have somebody help us, we will make sure that it happens because it's that important to us. And if you take that vein of thinking and apply it to this, my brain was starting to go, okay, so me and this thing are not that important. Because if they were important, you would find time. And I was starting to get very irritated, upset, a little bit bitter <laugh> and frustrated with them. And I just, I really, whew. I wanted to vent about them behind their back.
Speaker 1 00:03:06 I wanted to talk to people about how they had done me wrong and how they weren't following through and how this just isn't fair. And um, I'm not feeling like they give a rat's ass about me and my time and the efforts that I'm trying to do in order to put them into this same thing. They have no respect for me and what I'm going through. They are so self-absorbed on what they want, what they want to do and how they want to succeed. So I was really upset. Now, I wasn't talking to everybody, I wasn't spreading that and being a gossipy, little bitty however I wanted to because I wanted people to know how frustrated I was. The reality is that I needed to go talk to this person. Instead, I needed to go talk to her and say, Hey, you know what? Okay, so let's have a hard conversation <laugh>. And in this difficult conversation I am going to tell you about my feelings and how I am feeling unappreciated and un misunderstood. That I feel like I would like you to understand where I'm coming from. And yet one of my additional tools that I give to people is to seek first to understand them and then seek to be understood.
Speaker 1 00:04:35 So in this, I had to stop. I had to step back and take inventory and I had to try to see it from their point of view. What do I know is going on in this friend's life? What do I know about their job, their family life, their challenges, their ups and downs? What do I know about them? Because we all know if, if it's a good friend, we're, we're fairly aware of where they're at. And why would it be that that person keeps falling through? Is it in their nature and they, they have great ideas and then they procrastinate? Is it that they, they need someone el, they have the idea, but they need somebody else to carry it through and they're waiting for you. Like, how much can I understand without talking to them and how much do I need to actually go have that difficult conversation with them and say, okay, I need to understand and why do you keep putting this off?
Speaker 1 00:05:47 And after I truly understand their point of view, I can sit with that for a second and then I can seek to be understood. So if I understand you correctly, this is where you are at and I'd like to help you understand where I'm at. This is how I'm feeling. And now that I understand that that's where you are at, I don't feel quite so upset and yet I'd still like to figure out a way that we can move forward together and succeed on whatever it is that we're succeeding on. It's a beautiful tool to use in life. The whole seek to understand and then to be understood. And that feeds into this other little tidbit when you are having an argument with someone else, and it doesn't even have to be an argument when you are having a conversation with another person about anything, but in this case, let's say that it's an important topic, you find it an important topic and you leave the conversation. And as you leave that conversation, the other person moves through life as though that conversation didn't happen.
Speaker 1 00:07:14 And you get frustrated and you get annoyed just like I did with my friend. And you're like, but you said this and you said that and we're gonna, you know, we're supposed to be working together. The fact of the matter is that in that conversation, whether it's an argument or a simple conversation or a planning session, whatever it is, there are three sides. There is your side with your emotions, your history, your backstory, how you feel in life. There is the other person's side with all of their filters and their backstory and experiences and trauma. And then somewhere in the middle is another side that is only the truth. With all of the other emotional filters removed the facts if you will, there are three sides to every conversation that you have. So while you may think that you were unbelievably clear and fluid in what you had to say and in the planning that took place, the other person may totally disagree with you, especially if you did not confirm and circle back.
Speaker 1 00:08:49 These two go very beautifully, hand in hand, seek to be understood, seek to understand, right? So if you're having a conversation with somebody and you want to make sure that they understand whatever it is that you are saying, it's okay, so this is what we've planned on. Can you repeat that back to me? Can you tell me what you just heard? Can you tell me how you understood this conversation? Let's just have a little recap. And in Sodo you know that you are on the same page and you take those three sides and you create one uniform experience. Okay, so I know that you think this, do I agree or disagree with that? Do we need to adjust it any way, shape or form or are we totally on the same page because we have made sure that we both understand each other and have been understood?
Speaker 1 00:09:49 Sometimes it can be very challenging because my husband and I'll chat over something and the next day I'll say, didn't you hear this what I said? Like we agreed that we were going to do this and we'll revisit the conversation. And it's kind of funny because every now and then I'll go, no, you said this. And he said, no, those weren't my words. And I said, no, but they were your emotions. Sometimes I hear the emotions that are coming through the words, so somebody may say one thing and mean it, and yet the emotion behind that was way different. It's like saying, you look beautiful today or you look really beautiful today in the first one. Do I really look beautiful? Or what are your emotions actually saying? Are you jealous of my outfit? Are you in a really bad mood personally? Do you not really think that I look beautiful? Like what happened in your delivery When someone says, I love you, but I'm sorry, but what is the emotion that's actually coming across When they express what's going on, I have to step back because I can feel the emotion. So when I seek to be understood or when I seek to understand my husband or the other person that I am talking with, I have to understand both the words and the emotion.
Speaker 1 00:11:32 Sometimes someone's emotions can say their vo, their words can say I'm fine, but their emotions have tears streaming down their face and they are shaking with what is going on. They may not wanna be touched or held and yet being present with them, just grabbing a tissue and quietly handing it to them, I'm working on this because understanding the emotional versus the words can upset some people because they think that they're saying one thing and they want to say that one thing. They don't necessarily want the emotions to come through. If I assume the emotions, then I can be frustrated because I misinterpreted what they were saying because they literally meant whatever they were verbally sharing in that moment.
Speaker 1 00:12:40 The other is true as well. Somebody can say something and you hear it through your filter. Emotions for me are a filter. What filter are you hearing people speak through? If you have just had a negative confrontation with someone and you are now talking with someone else, are you able to put down that suit of armor to protect yourself from the previous one? Because that suit of all armor is now a filter. Did you take that home and now your partner or your kids or maybe your pets <laugh> speak to you and you hear a tone of voice and you're putting it through that filter? And it's not meant that way. Clarity in our communication is so important. Understanding what somebody else is truly trying to say, truly trying to express it is a talent and a gift that I think we all have and we can all develop. Let me repeat that back to you and make sure that I understand what you're saying. Did you understand what I meant? Cuz I, I really wanna know that you heard me and that you understand where I'm at. The beauty of seeking to understand someone else and then seeking to be understood as well means that in the seeking to understand, you can find patience and compassion for the other person and what they're dealing with, the filters they're using. And you can also be more self-aware of the filters through which you are sending your messages.
Speaker 1 00:15:07 You can also give yourself more compassion because you recognize, oof, I'm feeling a bit hurt right now. Understanding what you are saying and what someone else is saying, how they're saying it. I encourage you to take a moment and step back. The next time you're frustrated with somebody, ask yourself, is there something else going on? What's the non-emotional side of this situation? And then how can I connect with the other person and make this a little bit better? I hope you have an absolutely wonderful day. I thank you for taking a little bit of your time to hang out with me and I'll see you again here next week on Breathe In. Breathe Out. I hope this moment of self-care and healing brought you some hope and peace. I'm Kry Kowski on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube and I hope you check us out and follow along for more content coming soon. I look forward to being with you again here on Breathe In. Breathe Out. Until next time, take care.
