Episode Transcript
Think meditation is hard? Do me a favor, take a slow, deep breath in and now breathe out. Congratulations. You just meditated. Hi, I'm Krystal Jakosky, and this is Breathe In, Breathe Out, a weekly mindfulness and meditation podcast for anyone ready to own their own shit and find a little peace while doing it.
This week, I want to talk a little bit about a phenomena, how it's really difficult to change when we are with people that we know and love. I hope you enjoy.
Welcome back to breathe in, breathe out. I'm Krystal Jakosky and I'm glad you're here. This topic today just kind of came out of nowhere and yet it really feels like it wants to be brought to light. So we're just going to dive in and chit chat about it for a minute. I'm sure there are going to be moments you just nod your head. “Yeah, I get that and I totally agree with that.”
When you are an addict, doesn't matter what you're addicted to. I'm talking about alcohol, drugs, certain habits, control, they often tell you that if you want to break that addiction, maybe you're addicted to codependency, you need to change your friends.
It's really hard to be an alcoholic and continue hanging out with friends who go to bars. When you are trying to stop drinking and you don't want to be around that anymore because you recognize the damage that it's doing to you physically, mentally, emotionally, being around it is just unbelievably difficult. It's so tempting and it would be so easy to just take another drink because that's the habit. That is what your body and your brain and your emotions expect you to do. That is what you have done with these people forever and ever and ever. Whenever you sit down, it's just natural to order a drink and sit back and relax.
Your body knows that you're going to have that additional effect from the alcohol or the smoking or the drugs or the codependency, whatever that is.Your body knows that it's going to have this little bit of release and settling because you are giving it whatever it is that you have conditioned it to believe that it will receive simply based on your normal habits around these people. The challenge is, that when you don't join in those previous habitual behaviors, your body feels like it's missing something. You might feel a little bit agitated, irritated. You might feel a little bit more stressed or uncertain about the situation.
Other than engaging in that habitual behavior, there is nothing different. And yet your body and your brain, your emotions are all going, “Wait a minute, something is not quite right. I'm sitting here and I'm going through the motions, but something's not quite right.” It's because you're choosing not to engage in that activity that you normally do with these people.
Eventually you may choose to give in. You may choose, “One drink won't be that bad.”
It's not true. “One drink won't be that bad” because one drink often becomes two or becomes three. I'm using alcohol as an example because many people can relate to that challenge.
I wasn't an alcoholic. However, I did drink multiple times a week, and I found that I was drinking more and more and more, especially during COVID. So two years ago now, I stopped drinking completely and decided that's not where I wanted to go. Prior to quitting, I was feeling gassy and bloated and ill. I was having migraines. I often felt like I had an ulcer, kind of symptoms. I wondered if stopping would help me. I wondered if stopping would improve my state of being. It was kind of a test for me as well as an acknowledgment that I had increased.
So I stopped two years ago, and the first time that we got together with friends, they had their glasses of wine and their bottles of beer and their mixed drinks, and I was just sitting there. I went and made myself a cocktail. Not a cocktail, a mocktail. I got my little fruit juice and I got my little sprite and ice, and I mixed them all together. Then I went out there and I could feel as though I was joining in on their social aspect of things and I was tricking my brain, “Well, yeah, see, my hand is full just like theirs, and I have that fancy whatever, and it's all good.”
It took quite a while for me to find my state, find where I could stand on my own two feet and not be uncomfortable around people because I wasn't drinking with them. They would ask. Everyone would ask.
We would go out to dinner, and everybody would order a drink. Then they'd look at me and I'd say, “I'll just have water, thanks.”
And people would ask , “Why don't you order a drink?”
“I just want water, thanks.”
I mean, people were asking all the time, and I knew in the beginning that my not drinking was causing them discomfort, that it was making them feel a little self conscious, and they didn't like that. They wanted me to imbibe with them, and I didn't. A few people, I had four or five people come up to me at different times, different experiences, would ask me, “Why did I decide to stop?”
And I said, “Well, it wasn't serving me anymore. I wasn't feeling good. And now that I've chosen to stop drinking, my migraines have stopped. I'm not near as uncomfortable in my digestive system. I don't have those impressions of an ulcer or anything. I just feel better. I feel better. The fog has lifted, and I'd rather not.”
Some would reply with, “Oh, my gosh. I have noticed that I am dealing with brain fog, and I'm dealing with that bloaty, miserable, uncomfortable feeling. And I've noticed my headaches are more as well, so maybe I should stop too.”
So on the one hand, they were uncomfortable. On the other hand, some people were intrigued and semi inspired by my actions. Now I want to liken this to something else. I want to liken this to us and our choice to change, and our choice to be more aware of our own needs, adding a little bit of self care, finding spirituality, expanding and growing on a personal level. The people you know, the people that are around you have gotten used to you being exactly the way you are.
If you are codependent, they have gotten used to you being codependent with them. If you are the person who drops everything, sacrifices your own needs on behalf of everyone around you, they have gotten used to you doing that. If you are the one that takes care of everything, they have gotten used to you doing that. They have gotten used to who you are and how your, for lack of a better word, brokenness fits with their brokenness. You work together and it just fits so right and it feels so good.
But then you learn something new and you recognize that you can make a different choice and that you can change your life, that you can give some boundaries, which means that you give yourself a little extra self care and that you then feel better and you are not as worn down and pushed down. You're improving and you're putting boundaries up and people look at you and they're like, “Well, that's not the girl I know. That's not the person that I know because the person that I know would have dropped everything to take care of my problem. The person that I know would have dropped everything to listen to me complain. And not only that, jump right in and complain with me because this sucks.”
The people that you have surrounded yourself with love you for who they have gotten to know you as and the idea of you choosing to change, the idea of you choosing to shift is scary. It makes them uncomfortable because you're not fitting so perfectly into their little cracks anymore. You're not doing the same behaviors that they have come to expect from you. So this person that they absolutely loved and thought was fantastic has now changed, has now shifted. It's hard to accept this new person because that new person is not who they fell in love with in the first place.
On the one hand, maybe they're angry and they need to go through grief and they need to deny that your shift is happening and go through the anger and the bargaining and all of that cycle, the depression, getting to the acceptance. On the other hand, they could just be unwilling to accept it and break off because it's just too uncomfortable to have your new state of being in their face.
Now, there were some people who said, “Krystal, why did you stop drinking and what's going on?” And I was able to explain that to them and they were like, “Yeah.” They were inspired by my shift. There will be some people who are inspired by your shift. There will be some people who say, “Yeah, I really need to learn how to put up some boundaries of my own. I really need to learn how to add some self care. I need to learn how to stop putting everyone else ahead of me and start allowing myself to be important as well.”
You will have people who are inspired. You'll have people who are put off and frustrated, and you will have people who would really rather distance themselves because change is just not in their vocabulary. The crazy thing is that all of these people love you. All of these people love you as who you are. That's why they came into your realm in the first place.
They love you, but they're afraid.
Learning how to be with someone who is new because they have changed and shifted may not be something they're excited about embracing. “Will I like this new state of being?” Take a moment and sit with it. When you're inspired, when you're excited, when you have found a new way to shift and open up and change and find a little bit more joy and be a little bit more true to yourself, I sincerely hope that you grant yourself a little bit of patience and understanding. I hope that you grant those other friends and acquaintances, the family members, a little bit of that understanding too, acknowledging that you're shifting, you're changing and the person they love is a little bit different.
It might take them a minute to adjust and embrace and accept. When you recognize that they're not pushing you away simply because they don't like you and they're actually pushing you away because they love you and they're afraid of losing you, things can be a little bit different.
There are going to be people that you will have to just put a distance between you. There are going to be people who really are toxic and are not conducive to your new way of being. They will do everything they can to sabotage the growth you have found. Let them go. If they are not serving and supporting you in the new way that you want to be, bringing you joy and love, bringing you more peace, if they do not support your own healing, then that is not who you need to be with right now. It may come around again later.
That relationship, that friendship, may return at a later date, and that is absolutely wonderful. And yet right now, when you are healing and helping yourself shift, you need to surround yourself with those people who are curious, those people who are also shifting, those people who have already shifted and are willing you and encouraging you to come along and find that new, positive, peaceful state that you so desperately deserve.
Thank you for coming today. Thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts, my experience in life.
My greatest shift actually came when I had moved states. For two months, or correction, two years, I had moved states, which meant that I had a new surrounding, new people to get acquainted with. That is when all of these fabulous opportunities came in learning about chakras and crystals and energies and massage therapy and all of these wonderful concepts out there. I was able to sit with them, embody them, heal myself. And then I came back. And when I came back, I was a little bit different, but people just chalked that up to, “Well, she was gone for a couple of years, so it's okay.”
I know not everybody can do that. I know not everybody can move away. And I didn't move away because I wanted to and because I expected the shift. I moved for other reasons, but it was out of necessity. I was so happy to come back home to Colorado, to be able to be with my family, my friend family that I choose, and also to be in this new state of energetic love and acceptance, knowledge and healing.
Give yourself time, give yourself space, give yourself extra love, extra self care, extra support, so that you can continue to shift and find that state of being that brings you the most amount of peace and joy. Thanks for coming again and until next week, we'll see you here again on Breathe In, Breathe Out.
I hope this moment of self care and healing brought you some hope and peace. I'm Krystal Jakosky on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube, and I hope you check us out and follow along for more content coming soon. I look forward to being with you again. Here on Breathe In, Breathe it out.
Until next time, take care.
