Understanding Your 3 Main Causes of Upset

Episode 85 November 23, 2022 00:13:14
Understanding Your 3 Main Causes of Upset
Breathe In, Breathe Out with Krystal Jakosky
Understanding Your 3 Main Causes of Upset

Nov 23 2022 | 00:13:14


Hosted By

Krystal Jakosky

Show Notes

Werner Erhard identified three main causes of upset.

- Undelivered Communication
- Unmet Expectations
- Thwarted Intentions

Understanding the concepts and applying them in daily communication helps alleviate frustration and ensure you’re on the same page with those around you. Romantic, familial, or professional - every single area in your life can benefit. To learn more about each one, tune into this week's episode of Breathe In, Breathe Out!




FIRST TIME HERE? Hey, there! I’m Krystal Jakosky - a teacher, writer, and transformational life coach based in CO. I release weekly podcasts about self-care, hard truths, journaling, meditation, and radical self-ownership. All are wholeheartedly welcome here. 

LET’S CONNECT! Visit my website and visit me on InstagramFacebook, YouTube.

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Episode Transcript

Think meditation is hard? Do me a favor, take a slow deep breath in and now breathe out. Congratulations, you just meditated. Hi, I’m Krystal Jakosky, and this is Breathe In, Breathe Out: a Weekly Mindfulness and Meditation podcast for anyone ready to own their own shit and find a little peace while doing it. Welcome back to Breathe In, Breathe Out. I'm your host, Krystal Jakosky and I'm just loving being in the podcast studio. It brings me so much joy. I don't know, talking to the void and yet knowing that people are listening is, is it's just fun. It's just fun. So thank you for letting me be a part of your journey today. And I hope you're having a fantastic day. And if not, I hope that you're doing what you need to bring yourself a little bit of joy, get a little self-care, and improve the state that you're in today. I would like to talk about the causes of upset. These were identified by Warner Erhardt and they are unbelievably helpful when you yourself are upset and frustrated to be able to stop and check in to find out what is it that I need and how do I shift up? How do I change my situation? And these are a gift. The first one is undelivered communication. The second one is unmet expectations. And the third one has thwarted intentions. And if you know me, there will probably be some story about whatever undelivered communication is. Literally. When you have failed to communicate your needs, your wants your desires, your expectations. It happens when you just simply expect somebody to know what it is that you are thinking and feeling undelivered communication. Unmet expectations are when you have verbalized something, you have asked someone to do something. And yet the expectation that you expressed was not met. Now, sometimes you haven't delivered the communication on what your expectations were. And so these go hand in hand, you failed to communicate and therefore your expectations were not met. However, it can very much stand on its own, where you have delivered your communication. And yet those expectations, you let somebody know, Hey, I expect this. I'm asking you to do this. That does not happen. And then you are upset because it didn't happen. And the third one is thwarted intentions. This is things do not go as you planned or hoped you intended to create this or experience this or achieve, do a specific thing. And yet it doesn't happen for one reason or another. Those intentions are thwarted by different external influences in storytime. For me, this is very easily illustrated for you through my pottery that I love and enjoy. I go out, I start throwing or doing a slab, build whatever it is that I'm working on for that moment, I get to be in it. I get to enjoy it. Pottery is a space of peace and tranquility. It is a place where I get to regenerate and give myself time away from all of the other expectations in the world. Now, when I go out, if I haven't communicated that I'm going out there, people will call me. People will check-in. Even people here on the property, they'll call me and say, Hey, I need to talk to you. If I haven't expressed to them, if I haven't communicated, Hey, I'm going out to the pottery barn. I'm gonna go play for a little while. And they interrupt me. I can't be upset. I did not communicate that. That was what I was doing. I did not communicate that my intentions were to have some peaceful time in the studio. When they call, I have to explain this. My, I use my phone for my radio. It's a Bluetooth radio and it's fantastic, but that means that I'm listening to music and my phone will ring and it comes through on the stereo or someone sends me a text and it comes through on the stereo. And I personally am, uh, I have a habit of wanting to answer it because I want to be present for other people. So I will put my phone on, do not disturb other than those people, that if they really need to get to me, they can get through to me, those specific few that we all have. And those people are the people that I have to let know that I'm going to the studio because otherwise I'll be trying to go to my phone and it just gets covered or I'll be anxious and stressed about well, who needed me? And what did they need? And my phone gets covered in muck from throwing the mud that's there. So then it, it's just, it just spirals into upset and frustration. And it spirals into that. Because while I did put my phone on, do not disturb the rest of the world, those people that are closest to me and I need to be available, I failed to communicate to them. I need this break. I'm gonna be in the studio. If you need me, you need to come to say hi, you need to come to talk to me. Instead. Most of the time when I communicate that I'm gonna be in the studio. When I deliver my communication, they're all more than willing to support me in that. And they try to leave me alone. And it's beautiful. That's because I communicated its unmet expectations. That's when I've communicated, I'm out in the studio, I'm throwing, I'm very much in it and I'm succeeding or failing in whatever it is that I'm trying to throw. And those people call me anyway, instead of coming out and saying hi, instead of coming out and checking in, they call me anyway, I've delivered my communication, but my expectation of leave me alone or come out and talk to me. Isn't met. And then I'm frustrated because, Hey, I told you that I'm gonna be out there. I need you to leave me alone, or I need you to come to talk to me so that my phone's not a mess on me, expectations in the same aspect, I have to have that expectation of myself. So I've communicated that I'm going to go out there, which means that I do not have to answer my phone. I've let people know that I can have that break. If I expect other people to leave me alone, I too have to expect that I am enabling myself to have that time. If I don't expect that of myself while I expected of other people, there's a disconnect there. You have to leave me alone, but I don't have to honor that that doesn't work. It's not very honest. And it lacks integrity. My expectation for myself is I'm not gonna answer my phone. I have verbalized. I have told people I'm gonna be out here. I need this time for myself. I've set the intention that I need time for myself. So my expectation for myself needs to be, don't answer the phone. Don't respond to texts, leave it alone and just let the music play. Unmet expectations. Forwarded intentions are when I say I wanna be out in the studio, I really want to succeed at the perfect mug, whatever that is, I've delivered my communication. I've made sure that I'm meeting my expectations by ignoring my phone. The thwarted intentions come in. When somebody interrupts my time, comes out to the studio and says, Hey, we've got a problem. We've got something. And I'm not able to actually enjoy my time in the studio because I need to shift into something else. Worded intentions are I have put the intention out there that I'm gonna do some self-care for myself, that I'm going to build up this moment and enjoy some peace. I'm gonna fill my cup a little bit. And as you're going to fill your cup, there's a car accident that doesn't let you get to your favorite hiking spot or your favorite nail salon is closed, or somebody needs your help. And you can't take that quiet time. Your intention is to give yourself some self-care. How do you support yourself in getting that? You have to take responsibility. All of these cause upset feedback to you, taking responsibility for what works you have to verbalize. What is your communication that needs to be given what expectations need to be verbalized so they can be met? What intention do you have for that moment? When you have an altercation with somebody and you're really upset about what just happened, you can look back and say, well, did I verbalize my wants and needs? Why am I upset? Oftentimes you'll come back and realize that I did not tell anybody that I wanted time in the studio. I didn't speak up. And if you look back and say, no, I did verbalize, but my expectations weren't meant. Then you can say, okay, now I have to have one of those tough conversations. Do you remember when I talked about this, I was really hoping for this? And I let you know that I was expecting this and that didn't happen. You didn't follow through. And I'm really upset. And I'd like to talk about how we can make this better for the future because my expectations weren't met or you're having that conversation with yourself. I didn't meet my own expectations. How do I improve that? What do I need to do to make that better? And then your intentions, you have to have an intention in the first place. What is that intention? And if it gets thwarted, was there an intention behind that thwarting? Did somebody mean to upset things or was it an accident? Was it an act out of anyone's control that just happened and now you're upset and now you're frustrated and that's okay to be upset or frustrated or embarrassed or disappointed, whatever that is. It's okay to be whatever emotion you are in that moment. And then what needs to change? How do you fix it? The three causes of an upset, understanding what they are, understanding how to work with them, and understanding how to move forward with them means that looking back, you can understand why it happened, and looking forward, you can make sure that you're clear in your communication. That you're really good at making sure that your expectations are understood by yourself or by those around you. And it's more likely that your intentions will not be thwarted. They will be met because you've learned how to communicate a little bit clearer and make sure that things flow more smoothly. When you understand these concepts and you apply them to your own life, things just shift things, just change. It's wonderful because you can look back at one of your most recent issues. You can analyze it and figure out which one of these causes of upsets applies. And then you can figure out how you can change it for the future. It also means that in the future, when you have an upset, you can stop and check-in and find out which one of these applies and what you need to do to alter it. Whether it's upset with yourself or upset with those around you, understanding where it stems from is a beautiful way to make life smoother, easier, happier, and just more fluid. I hope this little tidbit helped you and I look forward to having you here next week on Breathe In, Breathe Out. I hope this moment of self-care and healing brought you some hope and peace. I’m @krystaljakosky on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube and I hope you check us out and follow along for more content coming soon. I look forward to being with you again here on Breathe In, Breathe Out. Until next time, take care.

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