Episode Transcript
Think meditation is hard? Do me a favor, take a slow deep breath in and now breathe out. Congratulations, you just meditated. Hi, I'm Krystal Jakosky and this is Breathe In, Breathe Out, a weekly mindfulness and meditation podcast for anyone ready to own their own shit and find a little peace while doing it.
Hey y'all, this is Krystal Jakosky and thank you, thank you, thank you for being here. The only constant in life is change. Recently I had a change that was overwhelming and challenging. My mother was diagnosed with Lewy Body dementia, and any of you who are familiar with it, I love you and thank you for your support. And any who aren't, it's a scary and overwhelming, ugly disease under the dementia umbrella. My podcast is all about mindfulness and meditation and I've decided to start within, Breathe In, Breathe Out a series that is on Mindful Caregiving because of my own experience and how I'm learning and growing. So I welcome you to the next episode of Mindful Caregiving.
Welcome back to Breathe and breathe out. I'm Krystal Jakosky and uh, this is episode, I think it's four of my mindful caregiving series. I believe that there is one question that every one of us should ask ourselves when we become a caregiver. And it may sound selfish and it may sound weird, and yet it's a beautiful question. I'm gonna get to it in a second.
I went to lunch with a dear friend and he has been through this caregiving journey in the past. In the recent past we got together for lunch and he did not know about my mom's Lewy Body diagnosis. He and I were just reconnecting and we got together at this cute little Irish restaurant and I told him what was going on. He said, “Wow, that sucks.” I said, “Yeah, it really does”. And then he shared his journey with me. At the end of it, he let me know about his mom and she had had dementia as well. How she had struggled and how he had been her caregiver for such a long time, the relief he felt when he finally allowed himself to put her in a home. He researched, he found the best home that he could for her and the people called him often to let him know how she was doing and he was able to be her son again. So he got to go and he got to laugh and they got to do puzzles together, crossword puzzles and stuff together. He got to take her, her favorite treats and whatnot, and if there were any upsetting things that happened, the, her caregivers, the staff took care of that and there was so much relief for him in that moment. And then he said, “Krystal, I want you to ask yourself one question, and this is the question, What's in this for me?”
I thought he was nuts, <laugh>, because, are you kidding me? As a caregiver? What's in it for me? I don't really like, initially I was like, there's not much in for me. I mean, everything I could think of was negative and overwhelming and challenging. It was difficult. I really did not <laugh>, I was like, “Uh, I cannot think of anything positive right now that says that's in it for me.” And he says, “You'll come up with some. Just take your time and ask yourself what's in it for me?” So I left it for a little while and I sat on it and now I have an answer.
So what's in it for me is more self-awareness. This experience of me being a caregiver means that I have an opportunity to evaluate my friendships. We all have those friendships that we love and yet maybe it drains us a little bit more than it fills us. We love the person, we love their energy, we love spending time with them, and yet it is a little bit draining. There are a couple of those that I've chosen to let go because of this self-awareness of where I'm at and the energy that's already going out on behalf of my mom. I don't have extra energy to be giving away if I am not also being filled by it.
This self-awareness means that I have to have a much deeper understanding of what truly fills my cup and fuels me throughout my day. It means, as self-awareness goes, that I am learning how to have more confidence in allowing others to love me and more importantly love myself. And that last one is so much deeper than it sounds. It really bears repeating. I am allowing others to love me and intentionally deepening my own love of self. As a caregiver, negative self-talk has no place here. It will not make things better and quite the opposite. It's going to tear me down, it's going to drain my energy and leave me exhausted. And then what? How will I be able to help her? How will I be able to be a loving daughter and a caregiver when I'm tearing myself down?
Allowing others to love me means that they can help. This is twofold. If I allow them to love me, it means that I am more willing to say, “Hey, I'm struggling right now. Could you do some laundry?”
“I need to cancel our lunch date because I just don't have energy.”
“I need to do this. Can you help me?”
It means that because I love myself more and because I am more self-aware of what fills me and fuels me and because I'm allowing other people to love me, I am verbalizing. Nobody can help fix anything if I don't let them know what the problem is. And the second part of that is the fact that they are outside. They may see something that I need and I can't see it because the trenches are so deep. I am so far in the bottom trying to dig out.
I am an emotional non eater when I get overwhelmed and super stressed and am really in those trenches trying to move forward. I have no desire to eat. I have no appetite whatsoever. And quite the contrary, my stomach will revolt at the idea of food <laugh>. So I'm not snacking. You have to remind me to drink water. This is where my husband comes in, he's on the outside of the trenches and he can see me and he knows that I need my physical energy so that I can take care of my mom. He knows that I need energy to fuel my mind so that I can see what the issues are so that I can use my intuition to work through it and help her through it. And if I am not fueling my body with good stuff, I will crash. So he gently nudges me, “Hey, I made you some tea.”
“Have you had water today?”
“Hey, if I was to do either pasta or Mexican for dinner, which would you like?”
It doesn't necessarily make me a choice from a vast array of stuff, but I can say, “You know, I think I could. I think I could have some, some beans and a tortilla and some cheese. I think I could do this.”
He watches me and says, “Hey babe, how about having just one hard boiled egg. You don't have to eat a whole bunch. Just a little bit of protein might help you out a little bit. Oh, and here's some more tea.”
He's outside. And I allow him to do that instead of rolling my eyes and getting frustrated that he's forcing me to eat when I know my stomach is just gonna cramp at the food and yet the need is there to nurture me. I have to verbalize to him first, “Hey, I'm in that space. I'm not gonna be eating much.” And then he is able to say, “Okay, I'll watch.”
We have our own code and you may need to make your own code, your own words with your loved ones or the people that are around you so that they understand. “Hey, I'm a caregiver, I'm in this for the long haul and this is what I need from you.”
“This is really what I need. So please help me out.”
I'm gonna go back just a little bit and talk about those friendships, those relationships that I'm letting go. You know, some of them are sad, some of them I haven't talked to in years and it still makes me sad because instead of saying, “Oh, I really need to call them and touch base with them”, I get to say, “Oh, it's okay.” And if that relationship's meant to be, it will come back and we'll see how it is then. And yet, while I'm letting relationships go, I have an opportunity with the ones before me, especially my mom.
What's in this for me right now?
For me it's an opportunity to take the moments in, to find the joy in the moments and create memories and reminisce and be present in the gift that is now <laugh>. I told my mom she had Lew Body and that, um, she asked me what that meant. I said, “Well, that's protein deposits in your brain.”
And she said, “Well, <laugh>, I have too much protein?”
And I said, “Well, you could kind of look at it that way.”
And she said, “Well, do I need to become a vegetarian <laugh>?”
It was funny and I chuckled and I laughed and I cherish that moment and there are so many more that happen. She'll ask a simple question and it just seems like a simple question. And yet for an adult, that's a question that would not necessarily come out. I get to be present in the gift that is now. We reminisce, we talk about the old stuff when she was growing up. She does more of that and it's funny to hear some of the stories and to laugh about some of the stories with her. Some of them are hurtful and challenging and yet others I wouldn't have known that if she wasn't in this space and reminiscing. So I listen, I connect, I work to be in the here and the now.
What's in it for me now? I'm a motivated and super energetic person. <laugh>, I love to go and do. The best days for me are days that I was productive in some way, shape or form. I love to bring light and joy to everyone around me. And if I can do it daily, if I can make anyone laugh, whether it's my mom or my husband, sometimes even myself, then that's great. I'm constantly filled with hope and expectations for the amazing possibilities that this world offers to us. Being a caregiver means that this energetic, hopeful, joyful, positive outlook, this energy will be tested and drained and refilled and drained. A constant ride you simultaneously fear, wait for and dread. Mentally, I may be exhausted and crashing on the couch to zone out for a bit and maybe exactly what I want. Allowing myself to do that without guilt and self-judgment is definitely going to be a new frontier because that's not what I want to do. I want to be active and yet physically sitting on the couch may be the best way to refuel.
Letting go of the need to complete so many things each and every day <laugh> will be an exercise in patience and self-love. It's okay. You don't have to achieve so much all the time. And maybe looking at what I succeeded at in being a caregiver could come in and be one of those things. “You know what? I completed that task today. I gave loving care to my mom.” That's an achievement. And maybe I should look at it as that instead of as a, “I gotta go check in.” It gives me an opportunity in that self-awareness to work through truth and reality, to reframe things and moments.
Big shifts are coming, mountains to climb. Patience, understanding and compassion will be pouring out of my heart and soul and magically I need to be pouring those exact same things right back into my own soul. I need to be patient with myself, understanding of myself and compassionate with myself.
How is this serving me?
I have taught so many people the importance of self-care and I've taught people self-care because I myself had to learn the importance of self-care as a mom. And yet this is a different level. This is a different level of practicing what I preach. I get to live it even more deeply and while I live it, I will continually ask more frequently ask, “How is this serving me?”
When we struggle in life and we have mountains to climb, asking this question might be your lifesaver. “How is this serving me?” If you can't find a positive way that this request will actually help you, then is it really worth the mental, physical, or emotional cost? A friend says, “Hey, can you help me do this?” How will helping them serve you? Will it fill your cup a little bit more? Will it bring you joy? Will you connect deeper? And will your strength, your friendship be stronger? Or will the request leave you drained and overwhelmed and struggling? How will this fuel my energy in my journey as a caregiver asking and reminding myself how walking this path will serve me, will help me find the positive side of this challenging road.
There is no doubt about it. It's a challenging road. There are days that are so overwhelming and I can step back and re-ask myself, “How is this serving me? What am I learning?” Then I can refocus and recenter because if I remember that it's serving me by teaching me patience, by teaching me how to be more aware and intentional on my self-care, then I'm going to also ask myself, “Alright, so what self-care do I need?” How will this serve me, is a surface question to help you manage your own energy and your ability to walk through life.
Like I said, initially I thought he was crazy and I could not believe that he was asking me how being a caregiver to someone who will not improve was serving me. And yet, once I stepped back and looked at it, I was surprised at the answers. And you may be too. Being self-aware, being present, the depth and importance of self-care, the gift of the moment with this person, the gift that I get to give, being the person that gets to help them through that, which also will give me love and respect and gratitude for the person who eventually helps me through it. However, it is that the end of my life comes.
There are beautiful lessons to be learned and they will continue to help you grow as you continue navigating this wild ride that we call life. I wish you the best. I send you my love. I pray that you are finding the love and support that you need as a caregiver. The knowledge that you are not alone, other people are there too. And it's okay.
Take care of yourself and until next time, we'll see you again on Breathe In, Breathe Out.
I hope this moment of self-care and healing brought you some hope and peace. I'm Krystal Jakosky on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube, and I hope you check us out and follow along for more content coming soon. I look forward to being with you again here on Breathe In, Breathe out.
Until next time, take care.
